you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
