i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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