Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he high fived his dick after we had sex
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
