Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
