You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
