There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
