in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
