no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
