I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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