I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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