we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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