He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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