i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
