i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
