I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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