I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
