I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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