i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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