Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
