Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Even my vagina gasped.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
