When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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