Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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