yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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