I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
