to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How's work?
Spinning.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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