You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
