happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
