I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
