Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
