I just threw up on my dentist
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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