I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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