it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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