Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
