That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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