I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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