He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
