Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
