Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
