I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
