May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
