Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
