Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
