Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
