Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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