his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
