my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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