I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
