went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
