Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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