I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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