What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
