So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
